The other night Bucky said something that made my heart skip a beat. "Can I have the old Su back?"
We were on our way back from a late night run to Robbie and Lori's house to swap out food , something we often do, and we were hand in hand and all was right with the world. Then he said it. "Can I have the old Su back?"
I didn't really know how to respond. But I knew what he meant.
I've been grumpy. I've been moody. I've been a way less-than-perfect mother. My good deeds have all but gone by the wayside. I've been short with Bucky. I say things I don't mean. I never relax. Simply put, most days I'm a mess.
The cause? Oh, I guess any number of things. I love my life. Oh, how I treasure it. I am just.....tired. Spent. Exhausted. That particular day I'd arrived at school before 7, had a meeting at school until 5, had to come home and bake monkey bread for small group at 6, attend small group, go get the boys at the baby-sitter's and then try to come home and get things laid out for the next day. Shew!
There's school, meetings, kids, church, cleaning, grades, nurturing Adam and Luke, laundry, refereeing fights, church, conversations with Bucky, things I want to do personally, and the list goes on and on. I'm just tired.
I guess I'm trying to find balance. I think I need some sort of release or hobby and I'm not really sure what that is. I want it soon though.
Not every day do I feel like this. For example, tonight I feel very positive and in control of things. That is, for a brief explosion when Adam and Luke were fighting over flashlights. Seriously?
Anyway, I'm not saying any of this for a pity party. I'm saying this because admitting it is the first step to recovery. At least, that's what I've heard. I know every woman feels like this at some point. As Bucky says, I've got to "rise above."
My favorite verse lately that I've have almost literally held on to is this: "Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4
Here's wishing that the old Su takes up permanent residence at 120 James Way.